LOSS
“Ember Flowers”
Photo
2013
Chapter 2
Submerging - 2011 to 2015
Loss of a parent, of Takob community, of the uneducated and a-la modernist view on the world - that there are truths that describe the shape of reality in totality.
Death enters and stays.
“Realism” is but a cynical and all-negating way of thinking.
Went from thinking the world is like Soviet cartoons to learning about colonialism. Loss of identity. Loss of meaning. Loss of direction and purpose.
“Ember Flowers”
In 2019 a drunk son of a policeman in Tajikistan drove his red racing car into an old Opel operated by my 25 year old cousin, standing waiting at a red light after a family dinner. Street camera recorded the event.
The impact ended the life of my (grand) parent. Bloody, broken glass, broken lives, broken bones, all in and around the rest of them - elderly aunt, cousin at the wheel, and another, pregnant cousin. Perpetuator left everyone there and drove away.
For the next 15 months, cousin was dragged through courts and blamed for the accident, by the father of the red car driver. Who could not be sued or brought to any responsibility. Cousin had to take the only way out of corrupt courts system.
“Phantom heart”
Acrylic, construction poster paper, marker
9’’ x 14’’
When my mother called me in that winter evening, I was journeying through the campus of Colby-Sawyer. In a shaky voice, she told me about Anika and the rest of the family. How my heart ached for them, an ocean away, in need of help, in Dushanbe!
In the middle of semester leaving to the funeral and for mourning was not an option.
Stayed in USA for the next couple of years, saw part of family briefly 10 months later.
It took 8 years to fully process the loss of my trusted and beloved parent figure, and those years ultimately taught me the skills and lessons of perseverance, endurance, growth, cycles, existentialism, changing of perspectives, meta-thinking and analyzing, importance of integrity, acceptance, and the inherent value in the search for answers.
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![A woman girl with wings like a crane or crow is sitting in front of an open window inside a dark place]()
Inner Constructs for Inner Freedom
Tea, wine, pencil, pen
A4
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![An image of a drawing featuring a three wolves, two deer, fourth winged wolf, a camel, a gruff, a dove or pigeon, a tree, grass, waterfall, spiral, amanita mushrooms, magic pollen or smells leaving wild irises and lilies, in a colorful peace sign sur]()
Thinking
Markers
9’’ x 14’’
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![A woman girl with wings is naked fleeing arrows and fire from behind. She is thinking of mountains which manifest out of her memory lane. Bare branches and moon and stars don't look welcoming, Castle scary up behind]()
No safe place
Text
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![Mountains]()
How long
Charcoal, pen
A5
A sense of missing your home and longing, yearning for, black and white vision and dreams
Sleepless Nights
Charcoal
9’’ x 14’’
Charcoal
9’’ x 28’’
Digital Collage of own photo
8 cm x 20 cm
Tit
Pen, brush, charcoal
A4
Pen, ink
9’’ x 14’’
Tea & pen
8 cm x 20 cm
“Title”
Sketch, charcoal
A4
Pen, ink
9’’ x 14’’
Tea & pen
8 cm x 20 cm
Pen, brush, charcoal
A4
Pen, ink
9’’ x 14’’
Tea & pen
8 cm x 20 cm
Trespass the boundaries of ordinary thought,
Tear down the stockades of illusion
That you’ve erected to protect yourself
From pain and disappointment at all costs.
The choice was always yours to make, between
The vapid comfort and pull of endless roads.
The journey of the mind and soul takes nerve.
So tame, you choose to stay in chains, again.
You run in circles, pace inside your cage. Oh,
What stories you could tell through grinding teeth.
Something is missing. You suddenly stop.
A dark abyss
Inside your chest
Rips open.
Your heart falls in slow motion, coldly
It brushes everything in its descent.
The void grows larger, hungry, greedy,
Spreading like cancer, showing no pity,
Corrupting, numbing all that’s in its way
It trades in your colors for silence.
Then just allow it to consume you once.
Give up. Give in. Stay still, don’t run
Let in, don’t flinch, take breath.
It’s dark and cold in outer space
But you float without fear
It’s truly like a sweet embrace.
Bah! This rollercoaster is old news.
The world is crap but hope still blooms.
Your spine is steel again.
